Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
You Might Also Like
A ghost story
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
shut up and take my money
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
This took me a second..
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.