me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!