me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats