[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
You Might Also Like
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it