Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
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“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
The news
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
We like the way Dwight thinks
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
what’s more important?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.