[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.