Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons