I have the bruises of a much more active person.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.