‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.