I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
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Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Bond. Trauma bond.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.