Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
Follow us on Instagram. In case you are wondering "But Why!". We post nice "night mode" funny tweets that are easy on your eyes when you are lying down on your side and night and scrolling through your phone while trying to get numbed up and forget the day. Click here to follow us
@MarlonBrandNO : [DATE]
ME: I'm a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
@MarlonBrandNO: Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don't, you're a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
@MarlonBrandNO: Oceanography is all about current events
@MarlonBrandNO: Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
"Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?"
Me: Yes and No.
@MarlonBrandNO: Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
@MarlonBrandNO: Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
@MarlonBrandNO: ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don't you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I'm really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
@MarlonBrandNO: Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
There is only one rule, it should be funny, you can submit your own tweet or one you think is funny.
Submit a Tweet
FunnyTweeter.com is a daily updated collection of funniest tweets from all over the world. We did not write these tweets, all credit goes to the original authors, follow them and encourage them to tweet more :)
We also retweet all the tweets we post on this site, might as well follow us on Twitter!
And what's more, we post our best tweets in Facebook as well! Like us on Facebook to get a daily dose of Funny Tweeter on your news feed.