[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
You Might Also Like
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
No, he would not have.