ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Oceanography is all about current events
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
MOM: Story time
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”