Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
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My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies