“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
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*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.