Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
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I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
look at me when i’m typing to you
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
The best shot in the history of golf
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
did it work
this is what they would have looked like, though
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.