I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
