@MaryJustice86

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

@MaryJustice86

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

@MaryJustice86

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

@MaryJustice86

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

@MaryJustice86

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

@MaryJustice86

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

@MaryJustice86

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

@MaryJustice86

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

@MaryJustice86

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”