It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Actually cracking up @ this
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire