BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
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You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts