At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe