running feels great unless you compare it to not running
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See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
The prophecy is fulfilled
“What movie?” 🤔
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate