“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
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“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*