I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
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Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
bout dat hot dog summer
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house