Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!