Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…