Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
You Might Also Like
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
When you let grandma cat sit
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date