So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter