My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
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Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance