Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
You Might Also Like
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer