‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
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Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
This probably isn’t good
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.