Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
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Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Never be a pizza!
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this