If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
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Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
💯😂
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit