Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
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I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.