Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
step 6: release the wall snake
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie