Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
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There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*