“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire