me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
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running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Not all heroes wear capes….
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.