I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
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You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
A roof is a house hat.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.