February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
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Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?