I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
You Might Also Like
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 馃槶馃槶 am I doing this wrong
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Can I get a pi帽a colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti pi帽a colada.
Removing my pants wasn鈥檛 what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Where’s my employee discount too?
If you need a smile today, here鈥檚 a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 馃槀鉂わ笍
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
馃く馃く馃く
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
The face palm is the only houseplant you can鈥檛 kill
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I asked my husband if I鈥檓 the only one he鈥檚 been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Do NOT do this 馃檮馃檮
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway