Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Every photo I’m tagged in
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.