Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
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Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.