How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?