Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
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when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Lmfao
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened