u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
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Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!