once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I thought this was funny lol
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?