Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
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Florida man
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
What do you hear?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
thanksgiving in nutshell
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
He’s dead
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off