*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
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I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything