I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
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When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.