@Merman_Melville

the 1800s were crazy. every household product contained cocaine, arsenic or morphine. everyone was so zonked on normal over the counter pharmacy medicine that romantic poets could just write like “oh to be a rose” and everyone was like “wow…wow.. i never thought of that before”

@Merman_Melville

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

@Merman_Melville

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

@Merman_Melville

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

@Merman_Melville

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

@Merman_Melville

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

@Merman_Melville

Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope

@Merman_Melville

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

@Merman_Melville

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

@Merman_Melville

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents