I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
You Might Also Like
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.