There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.